Feminism

I work in a big building on the University of Illinois' Urbana campus. I have to use the public restrooms that thousands of students also use everyday. This is generally fine (cover and hover!!) and I'm often entertained by the graffiti on the walls in the bathroom (one motivational writer: "keep on going; you'll make it through" next poet: "said the colon to the poo"). This time was different though... The wall was covered with these anti-men and boo to the man words. 

The one that stands out is "virginity is a patriarchal social construct invented by men who thought their penis was so important it changed women forever." Then it is followed by a chorus of "yes." Just outside of this picture is writing that says simply: "men are assholes."
I have such a deep sorrow for these girls. I'm heartbroken that their life experiences have allowed them to have this frame of mind.

To the girl writing in red: I'm so sorry that you feel that way. I'm so sorry that your "losing" your virginity experience was so traumatic that you think it was something made up by someone more powerful than you are. One question though, why do boys and men have virginities to lose as well? And if what you say is true, does that mean that lesbians are all still virgins? (no!)

Merriam-Webster defines a virgin as a person who has not had sexual intercourse OR a person who does not have experience in a particular activity. No mention of penis or vagina or anything else. Your virginity just means that you have done something yet. This is why I hurt for you. I hurt for your victim mentality and your feeling that a "patriarchal social construct" can have an affect on your life. This is why no one likes feminists.
People like this are ruining the name. Feminism is about women being seen as equals to men. It is NOT about women bashing on men and making a united front against them as a whole. That's just as sexist as the men you're complaining about.

One of my biggest pet peeves is "feminists" bashing women for fulfilling traditional roles. Feminism INCLUDES women who WANT to be stay-at-home moms or who want to shave their legs and wear makeup everyday, as well as those who don't. The women's rights movement isn't about women breaking traditional roles; it's about women being allowed to choose whether they want to or not. Instead of bringing certain people down (as is so common with extremists), we're called to bring everyone UP!

To the "men don't change me" girl: Yes! Good for you! Define your own sexuality - don't be a victim. To "my first sexual encounter was still important" girl: Yes! Amen! Even if it was awful (which it was) and you regret who or where or why or how it was done (even just a little): it was still your first time! It means something. And the same goes for men! No reason to create a divide between us. Think of how much harder it is for a guy to be a virgin. Female virgins are desired. Male virgins are ridiculed. It's a broken, hurt society in which we ALL exist. We have to stick together as people, not against each other.

I feel so sorry for the girl who thinks "men are assholes." Men can be assholes! But you're in college, girlfriend! These are boys around you! Boys are assholes. And so are girls. Don't get me wrong, there are terrible, terrible grown up boys out there. But for every terrible male, there is a terrible female as well. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, "1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner." That's not that much different! It's a broken, hurt society in which we ALL exist. We have to stick together as people, not against each other. Either way, I'm so sorry that you don't have a real man in your life who makes you feel safe and comfortable and happy - whether it's a friend, boyfriend, husband, or dad. Everyone needs that. And every man needs a woman to make him feel the same way (again, even if it's non-sexual - a friend or family member!)

That's all I guess...

Janay Rice

I guess it's normal for blogs to turn into venting spaces as good news and quick things tend to go to social media forums. I, again, am frustrated.
Just finished reading Think No Evil, the story of a shooting in an Amish school in PA in 2006 and the amazing effect that forgiveness can have when one chooses to forgive. This was a quick and fantastic read. So powerful, but painful for those who have lesser issues they've held onto for years. It was good timing for me. 

Even more interesting for me, though, was the timing that I read this book and then read articles about Janay Rice. For anyone who doesn't follow sports, she is the wife of an NFL player (a really good one at that) whose husband knocked her out cold on an elevator last spring. He went to court and was given the NFL's usual slap-on-wrist.

Fast forward to yesterday (the day after I finished this book about forgiveness), somehow the media got hold of the elevator security video and suddenly it is ALL OVER. This man punching his wife out cold, then dragging her off of the elevator. Now, I'd like to say that there is no excuse for Ray Rice (the husband/NFL player) to knock his wife out. This is not okay. What is more not okay is the number of people who suddenly think they know about the Rice family's life and what they should be doing. What is not okay is that now that the NFL has seen video evidence, the player's slap-on-the-wrist has turned into indefinite suspension from the entire National Football League. Why the change? Why is it suddenly worse now that there's a video of him hitting her?
Janay has come out in her personal social media accounts saying that she's heartbroken that all of this has been brought back up. She and her family had moved on from this incident, but now it's broken back open and she is getting a LOT of flack for being with him. People are calling her stupid and weak for staying with her abuser.
At the time of the incident, the couple was engaged. They got married shortly after that, and they have a beautiful young daughter together. They have moved on. In the video, it looks like she is angry with him and goes to attack him. He hits her as she lunges towards him. Again, this is not okay. He should not have hit her. At all. Ever. However - maybe this was the only time that has ever happened. Maybe he not only apologized, but has gone to counseling with her. Maybe they are TRULY over it and have real forgiveness in their relationship and have created an incredibly healthy family environment for their daughter because of this incident.
But, maybe they haven't.

That's the issue I have - NO ONE KNOWS. None of the media, or these random men and women who think they are giving her advice have ANY idea what's going on in their lives or their home other than this one incident. Who are we to judge? If my whole scenario is correct, God bless her for being a woman strong enough to forgive and move on. And even him for being man enough to humble himself to the point of accepting forgiveness. If not, then yes, sister, get out of there! But, again, we don't know! It breaks my heart that she is going through all the emotions of this happening again! I wonder if she had seen the video beforehand. And shame on you women who have been through something similar and are judging her for her choice to stay! You have no place judging her choices or the environment her daughter is being raised in. If your husband, who you've known since high school and truly, deeply love and respect cheated on you, would you leave him immediately? It might seem like the right thing to do at first, but would it not cause more hurt to both of you later on? Would you not forgive him if he could find a way to make things right again? I know that I would. I feel for her so, so much, and wish there was something I could do to help.

Another thought I had is what would have happened if their roles were reversed? He's a big guy, but she's not petite. What if they had been fighting in the elevator and she knocked him out when he lunged at her? Self defense, I'm guessing... And people would probably be ridiculing him for letting a woman knock him out. And applauding her for defending herself. Do we really want equality?
"It's a funny ol' world, isn't it?"

Laughter...

...is the best medicine. This week has been, just, ugh. I don't want to whine about it, so instead Buzzfeed gave me these Vines that I find awesome:

Chopsticks

Unusual beauty

Too Slow!

Creepy!

So I'll laugh, and not think about anything for another day. TGIF!

Michael Brown

A friend of mine shared this article, America is not for Black People by Greg Howard and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because every word that is written is the truth. The saddest thing I see is the trend of 
#IfTheyGunnedMeDown which picture would they use? This is based on the fact that Michael Brown was an honor roll student, set to go to college in Engineering the day he was killed, but the picture that was shown by the media was this. The article goes into more detail:

"After Brown's death came his demonization. First, we heard that Brown had run for stealing candy from a store. Then we were bombarded with a photo of Brown in a red Nike tank top on a stoop, posing for the camera.

EXPAND

This photo, in which Brown was flashing a "gang sign"—a peace sign, actually—was presented as proof that the teenager was a thug; his friends and family now not only have to work through their grief, but against a posthumous slur campaign. Johnson described his friend in an MSNBC interviewas cool and quiet. Brown's uncle, Bernard Ewings, said in a Sunday interview thatBrown loved music. Brown's mother, Leslie McSpadden, said that he was funny and could make people laugh. He graduated from high school in the spring, and was headed to college to pursue a career in heating and cooling engineering. Monday would have been his first day.
By all accounts, Brown was One Of The Good Ones. But laying all this out, explaining all the ways in which he didn't deserve to die like a dog in the street, is in itself disgraceful. Arguing whether Brown was a good kid or not is functionally arguing over whether he specifically deserved to die, a way of acknowledging that some black men ought to be executed."

And that's the issue right there. That, maybe, if this young man was shown as a gangbanger or a thug, somehow his life wouldn't have the same value as another man's life (a cop, specifically). I also appreciate how this author points out how foolish and counterproductive the looters and violent protesters were. Be smarter, people! So frustrating.
Anyway, that's the danger of the "Single Story." It can cause people to value one life over another with a single image, and it should be the media's responsibility to stop that from happening. They have so.much.power. How can they not see?

So... it's a good and thought-provoking read, but it hurts. As it should....

Appropriation and White Guilt

As you may know (sorry/notsorry for my facebook rants), I just finished reading Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee. The book I read just before that was Dancing at Halftime. So, there has been a lot on my mind. Racial injustice always been something close to my heart, but in the past I was only familiar with White Americans causing trouble for Black Americans. I found the White Privilege Checklist (here, if you're unfamiliar) a while back and it really has given me a better prospective on what the issue truly is (at least in the United States, in my opinion).
I also recently learned what appropriation is. In grade school, we dressed up as Native American Indians and Pilgrims for a play. Does that count? We were learning what great friends the new explorers (Columbus, etc) and Indians were! What a happy life for them all. Why didn't we learn about the diseases brought over? Why didn't we learn about the massacres that started when the Indians didn't want to give up their land and move "out of the way"? How come none of us questioned what happened in the years in between the first lovely Thanksgiving, then suddenly we were enemies and those evil Indians were attacking poor settlers who just wanted to make lives for themselves away from the religious persecution of the Motherland?
Why? Because it's UGLY. The history of the United States of America is SO UGLY. I can't come up with one good thing that the US has actually done. I would LOVE for someone to prove me wrong. And don't give me "we abolished slavery!" that doesn't count, because we brought in slavery! None of this "we put a man on the moon!" because that is worthless (sorry NASA). We put a man on the moon because we were worried that Russia was gonna do it first. What else you got for me?
The stories in between the first explorers touching land and the age we now live in is depressing to read, disgusting to think about, and embarrassing to realize is a part of our history.
As a white American, I barely know my ancestry... I know that my paternal great-grandfather immigrated to the US from Switzerland, circa 1900. That's all I know. I've heard rumors that my paternal grandmother is also Swiss. I've heard rumors that "we have Indian blood" on my maternal side. I've also heard that we're related to Andrew Jackson (the Indian-killer). When it comes to heritage, most white Americans are so mixed up and unaware of our roots, we just don't think about them. So when we see others with strong connections to their ancestors, with such rich cultures, I honestly think we feel like something is missing. So, we grab on to what we like from them.
On one hand, I feel like this is a beautiful thing - it could encourage us to be open and accepting of all cultures and to see the beauty in each person's different background. It could encourage every culture to be open to one another. It could encourage cultures to spread and intermingle, instead of segregate. On the other hand, reality's hand, it encourages disrespectful images and usage of items for which they were not intended. While this is by no means the worst racial injustice that happens, it's still a blatant disrespect for others. The frustrating part for me is that, most of the time, people don't realize they're being offensive.
As a long-time resident of the Urbana-Champaign community, I'm well aware of the controversy of using people as mascots. The big argument with the Chief/no-Chief campaign here is that there is a long standing tradition of this symbol "honoring" Native Americans who once resided in this land. The problem with this is the simple fact that children are being educated that Indians are a people of the past. They see these symbols and think it's a cool homage to a great historical people (like Spartans and Vikings). Native Americans who are alive today want to be seen and recognized as REAL people, not just images of the past. I think we'd hear a lot of complaints if we had teams named the Geishas, because Asian Americans should also be seen as a real, current, people.
One of the pro-chief arguments is that people shouldn't worry about being so "p-c" and need to quit being so sensitive. This is something that also crossed my mind. I, and most of the people I spend time with, are not easily offended. We can talk about religions, races, politics, etc. without anyone getting upset. The more I think about it, the more I realize that we don't get offended because we have nothing to be offended about! We have never had any sort of oppression. There was NEVER a time in the US when White people walked down the street and were harassed by Black people for being in the wrong neighborhood. There was never a time when honky was actually meaningful and offensive. Nigger, on the other hand, had power to degrade people. Black people walked into restaurants and were harassed until they left - sometimes physically. White people can't complain about this stuff, because they have no plausibility. That's why we can't understand the desire to be recognized as real people: we've never not been recognized as real people. And before you talk about the problems the Irish faced, please remember that it was more White people who were giving them problems.
I don't get why White people are such assholes! Seriously, didn't the "founding fathers" come here to escape religious persecution? They wanted to be free from the oppression of their government in Europe (right?). So they came here and fought the Native Americans into suppression because, in the words of Nathan Meeker, a Christian missionary sent to "elevate and enlighten" them, "...the Indians could not comprehend the joys of work or the value of material goods." (from Bury My Heart) What?? You mean they were a bunch of non-Jesus-knowing communist hippies who actually enjoyed their day-to-day lives? Kill 'em all! Force them from nomadic lifestyles into working all day everyday. Oh, and introduce whiskey to them! So helpful. It's embarrassing! Thus the white guilt that seeps in deeper and deeper. The issue with white guilt, just like any other guilt, is that very little ever actually comes from it. If anyone has a suggestion for what to do with all of it, please let me know. 
I'd love to have a real discussion about this, so please post comments and thoughts about all of this! Especially some good things the US government has done. Also, maybe a suggestion for a light, hilarious read to counter these past two...